I had some biiiig decisions to make recently, and it was AGONY.
As I tried to piece together why it was so painful, I realised that we ultimately have two choices in life: love or fear. Following the heart or following the head. And if you're caught between the two, it's quite some ride.
But I discovered that for freedom, for happiness, for peace, there's actually only one choice.
Following our heart seems such an easy thing to do, doesn't it. Sounds like we skip and jump and follow the sunset and be happy. Fabulous! I'll take that in spades please! What can be hard about that?
Well, a lot can be hard about that.
Often, following our heart means disappointing others, hurting them, and letting them down. And for those of us who are particularly sensitive little beans, the thought of upsetting people or letting them down is ouchy ouchy painful.
Often, following our heart means facing the unknown, being in uncertainty, trusting ourselves when we barely know how. And for those of us with sensitive souls that can hit hard, and is yikesville scary.
So we stumble and falter and say 'yes' when we mean 'no', and listen to the: 'shoulds' and the: 'what will people thinks' and the: 'but what if I fails' and the: 'but what about thems' in our heads, instead of that quiet, whispering of our hearts, and we stay stuck where we are.
The problem?
Staying where we are makes us MISERABLE.
We sink into depression, listlessness, lethargy. Yes, we haven't upset the apple cart, but we have sacrificed who we are. Yes, we have stayed safe, but we have dimmed our light. And all the while, that little voice in the heart still speaks, growing louder with each beat:
'no, my precious, go this way.'
I fell head first into this vast chasm between the head and heart. I tossed and turned from side to side, gripped with the anxiety of causing other's upset, wondering what path my heart had in store to me: Could I trust it? Will everyone hate me? I can't see the outcome! What if I fail? Could I just jump? etc. etc. etc. etc..
I lurched from my head to my heart, from the: 'but what ifs?!' to the: 'but this is what I really wants!!' to the: 'but it could be a disasters!!' to the: 'but this makes me feel so HAPPYs!!'
And finally, in the early hours of one dawn, the magic happened.
I stepped back from it all, and I saw that the only person I was truly hurting, letting down, or disappointing was me. I realised that the person not being authentic, and keeping me trapped was me. It was never anyone else. It was down to me to fully commit to being the person I am here to be and listen to that little voice in my heart:
'no, my precious, go this way.'
So I did. As the dawn became the morning, and the morning became the afternoon, and the afternoon became the night, I breathed deeply, I jumped off the cliff, and I followed the path my heart was showing me.
In the end, it came down to such simple wisdom: the heart speaks from love, and the mind speaks from fear.
Love isn't staying when you want to leave, it's fear.
Love isn't keeping on your shackles, because you're worried about what others think, it's fear.
Love isn't being small, when the world needs you to shine, it's fear.
And I breathed, for the first time in days. And my heart expanded WIDE. And I filled up with the most incredible sense of love, belonging, and peace. I had said 'yes' to me, and to life, and to my future, and to my truth. The absolute truth, if I don't love me, how will anyone else?
I realised that whoever was disappointed would find a different way, that whoever I let down would realise there is a different path for them, that whoever I hurt would rise and grow and find new pastures. With crystal clear vision I realised, that as I set myself free, I also set everyone else free. We had ALL become stuck, not growing, not expanding, not being.
All it was all thanks to my heart's gentle guidance:
'no, my precious, go this way.'